By the Idler-in-Chief
There are people who celebrate 50 years by inviting friends for tea, while others organise a luncheon, cut a cake, make it disappear into stomachs present, and make sure everyone gets home before traffic becomes serious.
Then there is Fred Obachi Machokaa (FOM), who, after five decades behind the microphone, has apparently looked at the history of Nyagenke broadcasting and decided that cake is simply inadequate, as it can’t go beyond entertaining the mouth before it gets swallowed.
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So he has done many sensible things, among them summoning Coffee Olomidé, a man that you probably know more than I do.
I should proceed and disclose that the news has thrown the Republic of Nyagenke into complete excitement, with the Cabinet meeting for six hours to determine whether Machokaa’s golden jubilee is a broadcasting event, a musical concert, a state function or an elaborate excuse for middle-aged Nyagenkeans to rediscover muscles they retired in 1998.
After much deliberation, the Cabinet reached a unanimous decision: it is all of the above.
Nyagenke’s Minister for Money immediately asked for the budget, his counterpart for Culture demanded the programme, while the Minister for Laughter wanted to know whether his department should be involved in packaging the anticipated dosage.
The delight intensified when the Nyagenke Intelligence Service (NIS) director confirmed that Mopao Mokonzi himself would be present.
Meanwhile, Nyagenke’s Department of Protocol has a bigger headache: Uncle Fred himself.
Nobody knows precisely what will happen when the blackest man in black Nyagenke will begin speaking, but the expectation is that he will sit quietly as he often does, rise slowly, adjust his extra pair of eyes, look into the distance and eventually say those these dangerous words:
“Ladies and gentlemen, I am Fred Obachi Machokaa, OGW, G for General…” and that is when protocol will end.
According to our sources, those words have been declared a national security event. .
Upon hearing them, conversations must stop, phones must disappear, politicians must sit upright and anyone chewing nyama choma must chew silently, lest he bites the tongue, yet the concert has no vote head for replacing tongues.
The Cabinet of Nyagenke is mulling about what happens when Machokaa finishes speaking and Coffee takes over, because Machokaa makes you listen with your mouth wide open, while Koffi makes you move this way and that way.
Put the two together and you have a very dangerous combination: a man can survive Machokaa’s voice, and another can survive Coffee’s Ndombolo, but surviving both in one day requires advance planning.
Nyagenke has therefore begun preparations. The Ministry of Movement has been warned to expect unusual pedestrian movements, while his counterpart in the Ministry of Sports has been asked to classify the concert as an unofficial veterans’ fitness programme, while Labour has indicated that practicing ndombolo in the office will attract a pay rise.
The Ministry of Studies has even proposed a new university course: Bachelor of Arts in Machokology and Advanced Ndombolo Studies, to be offered first at Nyagenke State Universsity.
There will be compulsory units in The Dramatic Pause, The Strategic Microphone and How to Explain to Your Doctor What Happened After Coffee Started Singing.
But beneath all these emerging reports lies something handsome.
For 50 years, Machokaa has watched Nyagenke change through a microphone.
Governments have come and gone, radio and television have transformed, politicians have promised to retire and changed their minds, yet Uncle Fred remains behind the microphone.
And now, after all those years, he has chosen to celebrate not with silence, but with music, reminding some of us who have emptied several granaries that he once ran a popular show on Baba na Mama TV, dubbed Music Time.
So Nyagenke shall attend in their numbers. The old shall dance, the young shall pretend to know the steps, politicians shall suddenly become youthful, and the Idler-in-Chief has issued one final instruction:
“Nobody should leave before Coffee finishes. We have suffered enough in this country. That night, we shall all dance.”
As for Uncle Fred, he will probably take the microphone, pause, look around and begin:
“Ladies and gentlemen, Nyagenke hoyee!…”
Somewhere behind him, Mopao will be waiting.
That is when Nyagenke will know: the golden jubilee has officially become a national dance and do what they came to do: dance.
Before then, let me continue idling!
-babahezel@gmail.com
