By the Idler-in-Chief
You see, Nyagenke has been a destination people stumbled upon while looking for somewhere else.
Now, thanks to our growing international reputation, people are deliberately looking for Nyagenke, and some are even asking whether they can stay until further notice.
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Kai tata!
You see, what began as milking our buffalo milk, political gymnastics, premium perspiration and other Nyagenke wonders has become international news.
Our tourism officials, who until recently measured success by the number of goats crossing Nyagenke Expressway, are suddenly talking about international arrivals, accommodation capacity and visitor management.
Apparently, people are coming and some want to experience our famous sauna culture, where sweating has become an essential component of the soft life.
Others want to witness our dramatic politricks, while a few want to sample buffalo milk, although we are yet to establish whether they understand the emotional and constitutional implications of just one gulp.
Then there are those who have heard about Nyagenke’s hospitality and want to settle here.
These are giving our authorities sleepless nights because welcoming visitors for a weekend is one thing; accommodating someone who arrives with three suitcases, cameras and binoculars, and announces that Nyagenke is now home is another.
You can now see why my government is mulling the introduction of a Nyagenke visa.
The proposed document, tentatively known as the Nyagenke Entry and Soft Life Permit, would regulate arrivals while ensuring nobody feels unwelcome.
After all, we only want to know who is entering, why they are coming, where they intend to sleep and whether they have come to enjoy our hospitality or to remove me from pawa.
Visas menu
A tourist visa would serve those coming to admire our scenery, sample our delicacies and photograph buffaloes from a safe distance, while a political tourism visa would cater for visitors wishing to observe our politiricks, although applicants would need to distinguish campaign promises from actual projects.
Then there would be a residential visa for those wishing to settle permanently, and they might be required to explain why they have abandoned their countries for Nyagenke.
We are also considering a special sauna visa for visitors whose main interest is sweating, and applicants would be required to declare whether they seek wellness, spiritual cleansing or an opportunity to discuss confidential business in a room where everybody is too hot to argue.
But a visa alone will not be enough, according to recommendations by Nyagenke Intelligence Service (NIS).
Nyagenke needs an immigration department staffed by people who can process documents without asking applicants to know somebody who knows somebody.
We shall set accommodation standards, tourist information centres, a reliable booking system and measures to deal with visitors who overstay after discovering that life here is more exciting than social media suggested.
A Nyagenke Tourism Board (NTB) may also be necessary and its first assignment would be to determine whether our attractions can handle the influx without losing their authenticity.
We cannot have every buffalo becoming a celebrity, every sauna being declared a national monument and every politician demanding an appearance fee on Tigtog.
The logistics
Naturally, these measures must not become instruments of exclusion, and visitors should feel welcome.
We want investment, cultural exchange and new friendships, not immigration officers turning hospitality into a nerve centre of ufisadi.
Meanwhile, the inevitable question is: what happens when visitors arrive in such numbers that Nyagenkeans themselves require reservations to access their favourite attractions?
For as long as I am in pawa, Nyagenke remains open to visitors, subject to the usual laws of hospitality, buffalo behaviour and common sense.
Those planning to relocate should, however, avoid selling their houses elsewhere before confirming whether we have enough bedrooms.
Turns out that international fame is wonderful, yet, when the whole world wants to move into Nyagenke, even the most hospitable host must ask who is bringing the mattresses.
