By the Idler-in-Chief
Someone just inboxed me: “What is this sudden craze for saunas in Nyagenke?”
Kai tata! It’s true that as I tweet this article, you can hardly walk around Nyagenke, turn into a side street or pass a freshly painted building without encountering a place inviting you to sweat at your own cost.
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Somehow, even buildings that previously specialised in selling phone covers, second-hand shoes and repair electronic gadgets now appear to have discovered the business of warming human beings.
Until recently, my kinsmen were sweating because of the afternoon sun, unpaid debts, political rallies and the price of unga.
Now, they were paying money to enter rooms designed to make them sweat even more.
Surely, the Idler-in-Chief must investigate this development before the Council of Elders declares perspiration an economic activity.
But first things first: What exactly is not happening? Is this about health, soft life or simply another lifestyle trend imported into Nyagenke by people who have watched too many videos on Tigtog?
Instructions
Word has it that the Ministry of Needless Inquiries has been instructed to establish whether Nyagenkeans are escaping the cold, seeking relaxation, following wellness trends or simply looking for somewhere to sit peacefully without a relative calling to discuss Wantam and Twotam things..
The investigation remains inconclusive, particularly because the investigators have requested an allowance to experience the facilities personally.
You see, until recently, sweating in Nyagenke was an unavoidable consequence of hard work, chasing a matatu, attending a political rally or explaining to your spouse why the money disappeared before payday.
Today, my people are paying for it, scheduling it and, in certain circles, discussing it with the seriousness previously reserved for land ownership and presidential endorsements.
Premium perspiration
As a certified idler, I am so idle that I am asking myself what makes a sauna so attractive? It may be an opportunity to unwind after a demanding day, curiosity about wellness practices, or simply the excitement of trying something new before the neighbours discover it and make it the next village fascination.
So near, the Council of Elders wants to know whether this development has anything to do with the famous Nyagenke spirit of keeping up with the neighbours.
You see, when one neighbour purchases a television, the next acquires a bigger one, and when one builds a bungalow, another begins talks with the architect.
Nowadays, if one neighbour announces that they have attended a sauna session, the next may feel compelled to investigate whether their own sweat has been living below its social class.
Meanwhile, enterprising businesspeople deserve recognition for spotting opportunities and responding to changing consumer interests, as they ready themselves to dance all the way to the bank and back.
My friend who unveiled a buffalo milk lobby last week has reportedly requested a feasibility study into heated milk parlours, in the spirit of diversifying revenue streams.
But, I am reliably informed that a sauna is not a magical room where every problem disappears with the sweat.
The Ministry of Common Sense, which is best none for propagating rare sense, has also reminded citizens that relaxation is not a competition and no Nyagenkean should feel compelled to putting themselves in thermal spa merely because their neighbour has started posting photographs suggesting that life is for the sauna goers.
As for the Idler-in-Chief, I have decided to observe this revolution from a comfortable distance until the Council of Elders clarifies whether sauna attendance qualifies a Nyagenkean for promotion to the class of Very Important Nyagenkeans.
Until then, let those who wish to sweat in style do so in peace and let entrepreneurs serve their customers responsibly.
For me, let me continue sweating naturally while trying to understand why the same heat I once complained about has suddenly become a luxury.
-babahezel@gmail.com
