By the Idler-in-Chief
The buffaloes of Nyagenke have gone amok following the kingdom’s latest attempt to turn their sweat, milk and matrimonial prospects into political BongaPoints without consulting them.
Speaking from an undisclosed location after the people of Nyagenke took cover under their beds, the disgruntled mammals accused King Manengo’s administration of announcing a global buffalo milk superpawa status while treating them as walking dairy machines whose opinions don’t matter.
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“The King declared that Nyagenke has been drinking buffalo milk for centuries, and that the kingdom is ready to export it to the world without consulting us,” thundered Chairman wa Hasira.
“We have watched enough political theatre to recognise a development project in which the speeches are plentiful but the beneficiaries remained hungry,” he added.
The Idler-in-Chief is aware that the buffaloes’ disquiet has been compounded by a separate matrimonial arrangement that has sent shockwaves the whole of Nyagenke.
The buffaloes are protesting plans to have them counted and paid as dowry, arguing that a kingdom which boasts of their economic importance cannot simultaneously treat them as commodities to be transferred between families without their consent.
“It’s unfortunate that when marriage negotiations begin, we suddenly become items on somebody’s shopping list,” complained Chairman wa Hasira.
“If our milk is worth billions, we demand to know who valued us, who negotiated the price and whether our representatives were present at the bargaining table.”
Reached for comment, the Ministry of Livestock and Deadstock Opportunities dismissed the protests as premature, insisting that buffaloes had traditionally featured in matrimonial transactions.
“The government is merely protecting a cultural practice from unnecessary interference by animals that recently acquired political relevance,” said the Ministry’s Head of Blogging Services.
The explanation did little to calm the herd, even as one buffalo elder demanded that any future dowry negotiations involving buffaloes should include a formal delegation from the herd.
“We further propose that the kingdom establishes a Buffalo Consent and Matrimonial Justice Commission, complete with regional offices, allowances for commissioners and a hotline,” he said.
“As much as we don’t oppose marriages, we refuse to be treated as silent participants in arrangements that directly affect our lives.”
According to Nyagenke Tribune, the Ministry of Extraordinary Milestones has warned that the demands could complicate the kingdom’s export ambitions, and earn the administration a Wantam.
Government lawyers are also reportedly studying whether the animals could be classified as strategic village assets, if Twotam is to be guaranteed.
The Attorney-General has declined to explain whether such a classification would grant them rights or merely make it easier to seize them.
Meanwhile, the Ministry of Education has hastily revised its proposed Buffalo Milk Studies curriculum to include a chapter on matrimonial economics.
At Nyagenke International University of Languages, lecturers have proposed a postgraduate course in Buffalo Grievance Management, while the Treasury has persuaded the protesters to settle for honorary citizenship and lifetime supplies of salt licks.
The opposition, which now calls itself LindaNyati is now accusing King Manengo of building a superpawa narrative on the backs of animals who have nothing to gain from the undertaking.
The King, however, has urged the buffaloes to remain patriotic, warning that their agitation could frighten away international milk buyers and potential dowry negotiators.
“Nyagenke recognises the contribution of every buffalo,” he said in a statement issued through the Ministry of Village Pride and Strategic Governance.
As this idler races towards the end of idling, be aware that the buffaloes have threatened to suspend milk production, withdraw their horns from village security operations and boycott all future dowry valuations until their grievances are addressed.
In the meantime, the kingdom’s proposed buffalo milk export revolution remains hangs in the balance, the dowry negotiations are under sieke, and King Manengo has discovered that the most dangerous thing a buffalo can develop is an appetite for accountability.
-babahezel@gmail.com
