By the Idler-in-Chief
The Kingdom of Nyagenke has declared itself a global buffalo milk superpower.
In a televised speech from his private residence, King Manengo dismissed claims that the world’s latest fascination with buffaloes is anything worth breaking the internet.
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According to the Ministry of Extraordinary Milestones, Nyagenke embraced buffalo milk several centuries ago, when other kingdoms were still arguing with their cows about the future of dairy farming.
“Buffaloes and their milk are not news in Nyagenke,” declared the King, taking journalists who had gathered expecting an announcement on the cost of living by surprise.
“We have been drinking buffalo milk and those who want to tame them can come and benchmark with us.”
Panning his eyes from left to right, he paused for applause, which came thunderously from government officials, several of whom had clearly rehearsed the appropriate facial expressions in advance.
The King announced that Nyagenke was ready to supply buffalo milk to any village interested, including those whose leaders had previously dismissed the beverage as an agricultural experiment conducted by idlers.
“We are also ready to export our milk. Let the world know that when Nyagenke sees an opportunity, we do not run away. We milk it!”
The slogan was immediately adopted by the Ministry of Village Pride and Strategic Governance, which promised to print it on T-shirts, diplomatic briefcases and the sides of kingdom vehicles whose fuel consumption had recently become a matter of public (dis)interest.
Within hours, the kingdom had announced plans to establish the Nyagenke Buffalo Milk Export Zone, complete with a board of directors, an acting managing director, three deputy managing directors and a task force to investigate whether buffaloes preferred drinking water from the rivers or wells.
The proposed corporation will reportedly operate from a magnificent headquarters whose architectural drawings have already been completed, although nobody has identified the buffaloes that will supply the milk.
“That is a minor administrative detail,” explained the Cabinet Secretary for Livestock and Deadstock Opportunities.
Opposition leaders who had a rally at Nyagenke Goats Market dismissed the announcement as another exercise in political theatre, insisting that Nyagenke had not yet demonstrated the capacity to supply even a modest quantity of buffalo milk to its own citizens.
The King rejected the criticism as jealousy from people who had never milked anything more complicated than a political argument.
“These people have no agenda and have always opposed innovation,” he complained.
“We want to export buffalo milk, and suddenly everybody has become a meme expert.”
Meanwhile, the Ministry of Education has directed schools to introduce Buffalo Milk Studies into the curriculum, beginning with Grade One pupils.
Examinations will include questions on the economic importance of buffaloes, the nutritional advantages of their milk and the number of government officials required to supervise a single milking exercise.
Already, universities led by Nyagenke Metropolitan University of Innovation have welcomed the development, while Nyagenke International University of Languages has promised to offer a doctorate in Applied Buffalo Diplomacy.
The Nyagenke Treasury has also projected billions in future export earnings, with a possibility to repay both domestic and external debts.
One economist who requested anonymity suggested that the projections were based on the assumption that every buffalo in Nyagenke would produce milk continuously, including during public holiday.
As the debate rages, the King has urged citizens to remain patriotic and stop laughing whenever he mentions buffaloes.
“Nyagenke does not fear buffaloes. We have survived colonialism, inflation, political rallies and moved into affordable houses. A buffalo is just another development partner with horns,” he said.
Nyagenke’s certified idler has learnt that the first shipment of buffalo milk will leave Nyagenke Milk Processing Zone as soon as the kingdom identifies a suitable market, secures financing, completes the feasibility study and agrees on the colour of the export containers.
In Nyagenke, therefore, the buffalo revolution is firmly on course. The milk is coming, the markets are waiting, the task force is travelling, and in Nyagenke National Park, a very confused buffalo is wondering if it should chase the guy holding a bucket.
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