By the Idler-in-Chief
I am here to tell you that in Nyagenke, we do not believe in Google Maps.
You see, Google Maps has never harvested maize, attended a harambee, or negotiated right of way with a stubborn goat.
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So when a four-year-old boy, Mose Morara, ama ukipenda MM, or better still Double M instructed a boda boda rider to “turn left at Kwa Mbae,” the entire republic that has survived industrial sugar in their tea and turned to paraffin to pawa their motorcycles paused.
At last, fellow countrymen were revisiting a navigation that understands them whether electricity bills are high or low.
Kwa Mbae is not merely a location but a worldview.
Located off Nyagenke Expressway, it is where the road bends slightly, where Mbae’s cow sneezed during the 2017 eclipse.
You see now, frankly writing, if you do not know Kwa Mbae, you are either new—or from Nyorobi, where people still rely on “street names” and “building numbers” like visiting colonial surveyors.
As graduates from Nyagenke Institute of Mass (Mis)Communication would say, the Kwa Mbae moment was exclusively captured by a rider wise enough to provide coverage instead of arguing.
In the footage, young MM delivers a masterclass in Nyagenkean cartography: “Go straight, branch at the blue kiosk that used to be red, pass Kwa Mbae—and if you reach Kwa Nyasuguta, you have sinned. Reverse and repent.”
The rider complied. TigTog wept. The Ministry of Movement took notes.
I am happy to (mis)report that within 24 hours, Nyagenke County appointed Double M Permanent and Pensionable Director of Roads and Directions.
His first directive: all matatus must now employ a four-year-old navigator.
Accuracy has since improved dramatically and accidents have become a thing of the past.
You see, no driver dares crash under the command of a child.
Nyagenke media is reporting that a well-wisher delivered a new school uniform, polished black shoes, and a bale of clothes for the Double M family.
This is the Nyagenke Economic Model: go viral, receive more textiles than you actually need.
We are currently advising unemployed youth to issue highly detailed directions near tarmacked roads.
The Chamber of Commerce has since gazetted “Kwa Mbae” as an official landmark and tourists now arrive daily asking for it.
We direct them confidently: “Just after Kwa Nyaboke—but if you reach Kwa Nyaboke, you’ve gone too far.”
They still pay consultation fees and the economy is thriving amid the ZeroTam, Wantam and Twotam noise.
Turns out that not everyone is amused and the GPS Union has filed a complaint with the Nyagenke Council of Elders, an outfit that historically endorses all political aspirants in the run up to elections, then hibernates for another five years.
Apparently , the complaint is saying that the Nyagenke way of giving direction is “unscientific.”
Since my elders never lack wisdom, they responded by asking Google Maps to locate Mbae’s cow and it failed, thus collapsing the case.
Taking (dis)advantage of this turn of things is Nyagenke Boda boda and Allied Locomotives SACCO.
Their (mis)leaders who have refused to vacate office have introduced a premium fare: the “Kwa Mbae Rate,” to cater for the faltering prices of paraffin.
It costs slightly more to engage them but guarantees arrival and includes a complimentary proverb: A rider who listens to a child never sleeps in a ditch.
Our governor, who is fighting for a second term is facing the Wantam deluge and is reportedly interested in diverting the conversation.
Sources close to the source have revealed to the Idler-in-Chief that his political mis(advisors) have proposed to rename polling stations using the “Kwa So-and-So” model.
“Vote at Kwa Mbae” feels far reassuring for the Twotam crusaders.
As for Double M, he remains unfazed for he accepted his uniform, posed for photographs, and returned to duty.
When asked about his future, he said he wants to be a pilot, and he can’t wait to wear the Nyagenke Airways uniform.
Air traffic controllers at Nyagenke Bodaboda and Allied Locomotives International Airport are said to be reviewing their career options.
And so, dear reader, the lesson is simple: in Nyagenke, progress is not measured by satellites, but by how confidently a four-year-old can tell you where to branch.
If you get lost, the problem is not the directions but your faith, or lack of it.
- babahezel@gmailcom
