By the Idler-in-Chief
Guys!
In a development that has sent an earthquake through Nyagenke’s digital constituency, a couple in waiting has declared its wedding day a no-go zone for mobile phones, social media updates, live streaming and other forms of electronic excitement.
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The couple has issued what village wordsmiths are calling an Unplugged Ceremony directive, requesting guests not to post, share stories, livestream proceedings or turn the sacred occasion into a digital public rally.
The message is simple: no posts, no stories, no livestreaming, no sharing. Ama ufurushwe kama mburukenge!
This has not sat down well with my kinsmen. In Nyagenke North, the directive has been received with the same anger as a government announcement that allowances will be reviewed downwards.
The couple says it wants to keep the special day intimate and official photographers will capture the memories, with photographs shared with guests later.
In other words, wananchi wa kawaida na wasio wa kawaida are welcome to attend with their bodies, hearts and blessings but they should not behave as if they just discovered that they have phones.
This has unsettled Nyagenkeans who consider a wedding incomplete until their followers have seen the bride, groom, food, cake, dancing on Tigtog, and at least three relatives crying in high definition.
For these digital loyalists, attending a wedding without posting is like being appointed to a government committee without receiving breathing allowances.
One annoyed Nyagenkean has already wondered how friends back home would know he had attended if there were no photographs of him holding a glass, posing beside flowers or pretending to have a close relationship with the groom.
The most affected group may be unofficial wedding broadcasters; fellows who arrive before the bride, position themselves strategically near the entrance and begin streaming before the master of ceremonies has tested the microphone.
They introduce the bride’s parents to online audiences before the parents themselves are introduced to the congregation, and by the time the groom appears, digital spectators have inspected his suit, assessed his walking style and debated whether his shoes were worth the money.
You can now see that Unplugged Ceremony directive is threating to render this entire profession redundant.
Meanwhile, Nyagenke Council of Elders has convened an emergency meeting to determine whether the order infringes on the ancestral right to narrate events one never attended.
Traditionally, wedding reports were delivered through village conversations but now, modern Nyagenkeans prefer photographs, captions and strategically misplaced emojis.
The couple has, nevertheless, offered one concession: guests will eventually receive photographs taken by the official photographers.
These will confirm that the food was eaten, the cake disappeared into stomachs, the vows exchanged and several uncles danced as though auditioning for national office.
The future doesn’t look handsome
The Nyagenke South Regional Cordinator has proposed that future wedding invitations carrying such declarations be boycotted.
The proposal awaits consideration by the Nyagenke International University of Languages, where scholars are investigating whether “I was there” still means anything without photographic evidence.
For now, if you are attending this particular wedding, whose PIN I am not willing to share, you will have to put your phone away for the sake of peace.
“The couple is right. A wedding is not a press conference, the bride is not a trending topic, and the groom is not a government funded market requiring continuous public updates,” a Mr Manengo, who comments to every update says.
“And if you cannot survive three hours without informing the internet what you are doing, kai tata, perhaps you need to stage your own wedding. Kai tata”
-babahezel@gmail.com
